Twelve days without gambling and I’m feeling wonderful.
Now today my blog is going to be short again and not as planned. It’s Friday and I’ve had a tough week at work, so was planning a weekend of writing, but first a film and a few drinks tonight.
This song is posted for a reason. I always loved this song, but throughout the day one word which has been in my psyche which has disturbed me and surprised me is ‘temptation.’
I know my sister and brother-in-law read this blog but my promise to them is always honesty and transparency.
This weekend I had plans for a few things, and as I have not been gambling have managed to keep at least a week’s wages. Now despite everything that I have been through I was absolutely gobsmacked when an idea came into my mind today that I had some money and felt in control now and possibly I could find a way just to have a small trade, wager or lay tomorrow without my sister and brother-in-law knowing about it.
As the thought came to me I realised just how deeply ingrained in me is this compulsion.
Life is wonderful, I am enjoying life – but now I see that monkey on my shoulder saying ‘oh go on, what harm will one small wager or bet do. In fact, you know you are in control now, so what’s the harm in enjoying two weeks sober by doubling your wages for the week by low risk trade or lay of a horse on the exchanges.’
Not long after I had this thought I was petrified for a moment at the realisation of the omnipresent nature of my addiction and that indeed I will never ever be free from it. If I get this temptation after just two weeks of being sober, what will I be like after a month, a year or two years?
So, it’s quite simple. I’m a compulsive gambler. It’s a condition I will never be free from so need to put every measure and control in place to ensure I never ever gamble again. I believe I have, but I suppose if anything this is an honest message to myself and my sister and brother-in-law of one thought that entered my head today.
I cannot be trusted with my finances and please do stay vigilant for me my lovely family. My sister has voiced that at times she has felt she doesn’t want to intrude on my freedom or my privacy. However, I can’t stress enough that I no longer care about my brother-in-law questioning anything he sees as odd or strange, nor my sister. Please, for me, ask these questions and challenge me whenever you want to. I need this so much as I can’t trust or know when this ‘monkey’ will try to tempt be again.
Tonight, I am happy. Very happy. I saw the temptation and resisted it. May it always stay that way. I know at times I’ll need to dig deep to resist but have made a promise to myself and family that I will resist, as the next time I fail there may be no ‘safety net.’
So, lead me not into temptation, but enjoy a beautiful song about love and the wonderful sequenced dancing of the Temptations and the voices.
Such happy memories from my youth and yes happy memories of girls I thought about at times when listening to this song.
One day at a time, I’ll get there.
© Michael Gamble 2018